Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
