i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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