I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
