what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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