Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
