Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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