just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
