I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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