We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
