He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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