tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
