I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
