He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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