There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
