I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
