Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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