Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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