I just made out with a guy for $7.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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