No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
