Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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