I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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