I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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