long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize