tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
