It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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