I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
