Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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