Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
