The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
