someone get that fucking seahorse.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
