I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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