John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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