I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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