I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
