# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
