And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
