My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
