I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
