I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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