There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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