Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
