oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
