She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
