just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
