Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
