Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
