I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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