4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
