every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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