I wanna bring you to show and tell
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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