woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
