Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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