My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
