Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
