Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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