conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
