you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
