he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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