i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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