No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
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I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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