I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
