can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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