my phone needs a breathalizer
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
