We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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