There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
